Confidence

I haven’t always been confident. It is a skill that I have worked on over the span of several years.

I remember going through particularly bad self esteem issues after I had my second child. This was the one that I was blessed to be able to stay home with for a year. And I loved it. I loved our time together. But something about going an entire year without having a reason to get ready- it does something to a person. I remember dreading going into work because I felt awful in my own skin. I knew that if I got ready, I would probably feel better, but I didn’t want to get ready. What was the point? Because I still felt like I looked awful, even when I put a ton of effort into it.

I remember that during this time period, we didn’t have a lot of options when it came to curvy models, and if I was needed for pictures- I would literally cry on the way to the shoot. How was I supposed to smile when I felt so horrible? I remember people that cared about me trying to gently nudge me out of my confidence coma.

I’m not really sure which came first- the chicken or the egg. If I started to feel better which made me want to look better, or if I made myself look better which made me feel better. But eventually, I started to put effort back into myself, and slowly but surely came out of my coma. And then, as soon as I got to a place where I felt like I could breathe- I starting diving deep into self care.

I worked it into my daily meditations, I focused on the voice in my head, I gave myself very loud and firm pep talks in the mirror, I looked up facts about the psychology around beauty and used that to call “Liar, Liar, pants on fire!” to the voice in my head. I consumed music, movies, and social media that highlighted strong, empowering women. I worked really hard, and I was able to come out on the other side.

Now don’t get me wrong- I still have moments. I still hate putting on makeup and doing my hair, but there is a big difference between having *moments* and letting self-criticism become a state of being.

I have always used my insecurities to justify not feeling pretty. But you know what? Every single thing I am insecure about- there is a youtuber, or influencer, or TikTok account where they have that same insecurity- and they have millions of fans who think that they are literal perfection. Want to know why? Because it has more to do with confidence than it does with your physical appearance.

When someone loves themself well, it shows.